How Can I Be Attracted to People Who Are Bad for Me, If I’m Not Even “Attracted” to Them?! (Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style in This Aro-Spec Asexual)

This is a submission for the October 2021 Carnival of Aces, which had a theme of “Attraction”. The Call for Submissions was here. The round-up of all posts submitted in the end was posted here.

Per usual I’m late submitting it, and it’s already November. I tried hard to rushed through typing up this entire submission in only about half an hour while it was still the 31st and that didn’t work, I’m very rusty with blogging but it always takes me about 3 times as long as I think it will. And this one took probably 10 times as long because I couldn’t stop my rambling, I had so much to say. In the end I wrote 4820 words. Which is at least twice as long if not longer than an ideal blog post’s length… next time I’ll break it up into parts.

I haven’t been blogging in so long and yet… would have regretted not participating once I had this unusual direction of inspiration for this carnival theme. So I’m glad to have made time to write this.

If you’ve been following my blogging for a long while, back on my luvtheheaven blog, you know that I grew up in the context of child abuse from my primary caregiver – my mother – and have a history of childhood trauma. If you buy into attachment theory, as far as the insecure attachment styles go, I have a pretty classic “anxious attachment style”, also known as anxious-preoccupied attachment. I haven’t blogged much about attachment styles but I did start to earlier this year in February in my blog post about getting ghosted by an avoidant partner of mine in the past, and what kinds of avoidant characters and avoidant-anxious ships I’m also drawn to. My rambling blog post covered a lot of ground as I verbally processed and thought through a lot of that for the first time.

My anxious attachment style has been evident for years in my blogging itself even when I didn’t see it, in the form of sometimes veering into oversharing and a desperation for everything to be heard and validated by others, instead of developing and honing the skill for conciseness and parsing out the most relevant details and more salient story. I thought it was a radical vulnerability that was a strength of mine, not a weakness, but in the past few months I’ve been understanding my own oversharing tendencies more and more and feeling less sure it always is such.

I don’t know which of the things outlined in this article are me exactly, but some of them resonate at least to some degree.

Mostly, it’s complicated, and not necessarily something I need to completely change about myself, if I even could. It can be a positive thing, as outlined here:

You will often feel quite validated when you share personal struggles and someone reaches out to you to tell you about how they feel, to tell you a similar story, or how it allowed them to honour their feelings. This will often be the reason someone will share a raw take on their past. Bringing joy or comfort to others with tales of your own traumas is rewarding for some.

If it is used right, oversharing can be a powerful tool to help you open up and connect with like-minded individuals. Sharing your depression struggles only to be met with support, or by announcing to your friends that you’re struggling as a way to explain why you’ve not been replying to their texts can be therapeutic.

So what does all of this have to do with “attraction”?

Well, because my anxious attachment style seems to heavily influence who’s attracted to me, and also to include those to whom I’m drawn towards!

Continue reading “How Can I Be Attracted to People Who Are Bad for Me, If I’m Not Even “Attracted” to Them?! (Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style in This Aro-Spec Asexual)”

Round Up of All Submissions: Carnival of Aces – August 2021 – Second Chance at Any Past Topic

Hi everyone! If you’re in the USA, Happy Labor Day! If you’re Jewish, I’ll wish you a Shana Tova for Rosh Hashanah!

My apologies for the delay in getting my round-up post online for all of you. My further apologies for not confirming receipt of your submissions as I got them… I should have and I failed to follow through on those intentions during the month of August.

I hosted the Carnival of Aces for the 7th time in August of 2021, and my call for submissions was here. The theme was that you had a chance to participate and write a post about any past topic.

I received 6 total submissions. Five of the six were submitted via my Google Form, which I greatly appreciate. It made this post so much easier for me to do with you clarifying all the details I need to know!

  1. Siggy submitted On (my own) excessive PDA, and he used “Touch, Sensuality, and Non-sexual Intimacy” or perhaps “Kissing, Handholding, Bed-sharing, etc.” as the past prompts that inspired what he wrote about.
Continue reading “Round Up of All Submissions: Carnival of Aces – August 2021 – Second Chance at Any Past Topic”

Call for Submissions: Carnival of Aces – August 2021 – Second Chance at Any Past Topic

Hi everyone! The “Carnival of Aces” is a blogging carnival where each month people are invited to write about a specific topic that is related to asexuality/the ace spectrum in some way. Or creators can participate in other formats including video, poetry, art etc. Guest submissions and anonymous submissions are welcome.

Check out the masterpost for more info:

It’s now August 2021, and it is the seventh time that I am hosting the carnival of aces. Before, I hosted select months in 2014 (twice), 2015, 2017, 2018, and 2019. You can find those in the masterpost under “From Fandom to Family”. I have since switched blogs from my “luvtheheaven” WordPress blog though to this “violetemeraldx” one. I also in the year 2020 hosted a Carnival of Aros as well, which is a very similar sister blogging carnival.

I’ve decided to make the topic for this month “Second Chance at Any Past Carnival of Aces Topic”, where if you missed your chance to participate in a past topic, either by running out of time to write (or finish writing) an entry, or if you didn’t know about the Carnival of Aces back when the topic happened the first time around, now is your chance to share your thoughts on that theme!

Dare I say most of us aces didn’t even understand our own orientation as being asexuality back when the Carnival of Aces first started over a decade ago in May 2011. There have been so many wonderful, expansive topics since then. I would love to see a variety of different types of posts this August, starting with if anyone missed the most recent Carnival of Aces on “Online Dating” and still had thoughts to say on that, but also going back through everything listed as a past topic in the masterpost.

Continue reading “Call for Submissions: Carnival of Aces – August 2021 – Second Chance at Any Past Topic”

Being a Gray-Aro Asexual Shipper, and a Gray-Aro Asexual Huge Fan of Certain Actors, etc.

This is a submission for the January 2021 Carnival of Aros, hosted by CharCharChar on the theme of “Stories”. The Call for Submissions was here. Note, I’m the blogger who used to go by the name luvtheheaven. This is my new blog under my new username, VioletEmeraldx. This is the first of my submissions, but I intend to submit one or maybe two more tonight.

It’s just hard for me to even know where to begin, as I have so many thoughts on the broad idea of “stories”, and so many can at least somewhat be tied back to aromanticism. But also none of my thoughts are super specifically focused on aromanticism either. I really wanted to participate in this carnival this month though, I like the theme, and I wanted to see what I can do.

I am heavily immersed in fandom spaces, especially vidding ones, and to a lesser degree podficcing ones, and to an even lesser degree than that I am a fan of fanfiction and meta analysis of fandoms as well, and for all 4 types of fandom stuff I love both consuming and creating the fanworks. I entered fandom spaces somewhere between age 14 and age 16 depending on how you measure it, and I’m 31 now, so this has been roughly half my life. This has been 14.5 to 16.5 years worth of time paying overly close attention to characters I get attached to and feeling deep emotions over the storylines in fiction, especially in television and a few select book series. I didn’t know I was asexual until 7.5 years ago, and didn’t realize it was an option until around 9.5 years ago. And I didn’t know I was aromantic until even more recently than that, although I guess I started questioning if I might be aro in the back of my mind around 7.5 years ago as well.

There were a lot of years of a teenage and young adult me entering fandom spaces and feeling obsessed with works of fiction when I didn’t have the concepts I needed to have about my orientations. When I didn’t know it was possible to be interested in partnering with multiple genders when my only desire for partnership was in a completely non-sexual and non-romantic way, and so I didn’t know I was queer on a few different axes – I was pan, and I was ace, and I was aro.

Two years ago, in January 2019, when I was asked how could I be aro and a shipper by my grandmother, I explained that it’s often like rooting for two people to be happy much like going to a wedding. My grandma understood me saying that people aren’t happy for the couple getting married because they are attracted to them. Generally, people are simply happy for them. So I think this is where I come from with all this with at least a high percentage of my ships? But I wasn’t entirely sure. As an aro-spec ace who was confused about if I experience crushes at all or very often but who certainly is a shipper, it’s hard to explain why I feel the way I do, especially without understanding exactly why others feel the way they do and where my feelings diverge.

Continue reading “Being a Gray-Aro Asexual Shipper, and a Gray-Aro Asexual Huge Fan of Certain Actors, etc.”