This is a submission for the October 2021 Carnival of Aces, which had a theme of “Attraction”. The Call for Submissions was here. The round-up of all posts submitted in the end was posted here.
Per usual I’m late submitting it, and it’s already November. I tried hard to rushed through typing up this entire submission in only about half an hour while it was still the 31st and that didn’t work, I’m very rusty with blogging but it always takes me about 3 times as long as I think it will. And this one took probably 10 times as long because I couldn’t stop my rambling, I had so much to say. In the end I wrote 4820 words. Which is at least twice as long if not longer than an ideal blog post’s length… next time I’ll break it up into parts.
I haven’t been blogging in so long and yet… would have regretted not participating once I had this unusual direction of inspiration for this carnival theme. So I’m glad to have made time to write this.
If you’ve been following my blogging for a long while, back on my luvtheheaven blog, you know that I grew up in the context of child abuse from my primary caregiver – my mother – and have a history of childhood trauma. If you buy into attachment theory, as far as the insecure attachment styles go, I have a pretty classic “anxious attachment style”, also known as anxious-preoccupied attachment. I haven’t blogged much about attachment styles but I did start to earlier this year in February in my blog post about getting ghosted by an avoidant partner of mine in the past, and what kinds of avoidant characters and avoidant-anxious ships I’m also drawn to. My rambling blog post covered a lot of ground as I verbally processed and thought through a lot of that for the first time.
My anxious attachment style has been evident for years in my blogging itself even when I didn’t see it, in the form of sometimes veering into oversharing and a desperation for everything to be heard and validated by others, instead of developing and honing the skill for conciseness and parsing out the most relevant details and more salient story. I thought it was a radical vulnerability that was a strength of mine, not a weakness, but in the past few months I’ve been understanding my own oversharing tendencies more and more and feeling less sure it always is such.
I don’t know which of the things outlined in this article are me exactly, but some of them resonate at least to some degree.
Mostly, it’s complicated, and not necessarily something I need to completely change about myself, if I even could. It can be a positive thing, as outlined here:
You will often feel quite validated when you share personal struggles and someone reaches out to you to tell you about how they feel, to tell you a similar story, or how it allowed them to honour their feelings. This will often be the reason someone will share a raw take on their past. Bringing joy or comfort to others with tales of your own traumas is rewarding for some.
If it is used right, oversharing can be a powerful tool to help you open up and connect with like-minded individuals. Sharing your depression struggles only to be met with support, or by announcing to your friends that you’re struggling as a way to explain why you’ve not been replying to their texts can be therapeutic.
So what does all of this have to do with “attraction”?
Well, because my anxious attachment style seems to heavily influence who’s attracted to me, and also to include those to whom I’m drawn towards!Continue reading “How Can I Be Attracted to People Who Are Bad for Me, If I’m Not Even “Attracted” to Them?! (Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style in This Aro-Spec Asexual)”